So I had graduation yesterday. It was really good to go but at the same time not. I didn't get sleep again and had no time to eat so I was starving and tired trying to sit through an hour of pretty useless speeches and a ton of graduates.
My sister from out of town came to my graduation and I was happy that she came but I get really uncomfortable with her. Shes still here and I just get uncomfortable because of her strong religious views. I recall her saying in one sentence to me while I was in college "as long as you're not drinking, smoking, or gay then you're okay"... because all those things are equivalent and "soul damaging". She doesn't know anything, so ever since then I've tried to stay away from her. But I've discovered I'm better than that, she is my sister, and I do love her.
She helped a lot yesterday too moving me out and taking pictures and just being there for my graduation. I'm just scared of her knowing because of that possibility that all those good things she did would vanish if she knew. Doesn't matter now anyway, self respect is more important.
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(Repost due to horrific grammar in my initial offering.)
ReplyDeleteI remember being in a similar position of wondering if certain loved ones found out would I would lose them from my life and lose their love. It's a horrible feeling and nobody should experience that.
The remark your sister made when you were in college was a cold one indeed. Such comments are usually (but, not always) uttered because the person feels safe that none of the points apply to the person they are saying them to. Little do they know how much they can wound another with what they consider an innocent statement.
When the day comes that she does know about you, if she chooses (and that will be a choice) not to accept you, well, you are already no doubt aware of how I would view her and her attitude.
And you're right: Your self-respect is the most important thing in all of this.
Cameron
Thanks. I've had worse said to me. It's true, they don't know the impact they have. Hopefully things will be resolved by the fall before the holidays.
ReplyDeleteCongrats again. I can't wait to graduate, and I'm sure you're beyond excited/relieved/shared shitless. The whole process sounds exhausting. Hopefully you get a vacation soon.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks about your sister's comments. Maybe she had no idea of whatever all it is, and maybe she would accept you if she knew. Maybe she wouldn't at first, or ever, but I would hope that she would. Faith is great, but sometimes people forget that a big part of all of that is compassion and trying to relate to other people. And some people just grew up in a family or local setting where certain things were not "appropriate" or the social norm. Hell, if I used my usual language around my mom, she'd (fill in the blank). If she knew I drink, she'd flip. My dad on the other hand knows and/or does both of those, since he grew up so differently. He's too cheap to drink, but didn't flip when he saw my fridge... or when he found out my (kinda) brother is gay... or.. etc. I used to be around people who were so accepting that you literally couldn't shock them. It was great. I tried to make it a point to at least try to understand what my friends there shared with me, even if I didn't get it or couldn't relate. Now, a lot of them are the opposite, but I don't think they intend to be harsh or judgmental.. it's just their upbringing and they've never been around anything else. They're still good people, but I definitely tone it down for them. They just don't have exposure to some things, and can't relate to my background. I've found it takes people who've been in a similar situation or lifestyle to understand. A couple here welcomed me into their home/family.. they're religious, but they know what it's like to be a confused college kid who has views on the other side of the chart than is the norm here and accept people as-is.
On a more general note, I know what you mean about worrying that family/friends wouldn't be around anymore if they knew you more or didn't agree with your choices. I had one hell of a time even explaining my educational and location choices to them. The ones that matter are still around, at least.
Holy crap! That was long.. sorry!
ReplyDeleteThanks June for your perspective. I definitely just feel claustrophobic around family, which I believe many people get. My parents know, theyre fine but its just a lifelong thing you always go through. Im better now that shes left and its quite a small issue in comparison to getting a job and starting a life for myself. Now thats overwhelming.
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