Everyone I listen to on here, my friends, we all have this hurt or this loss, this longing for something big, when really to us subjectively we just want the lives we want and deserve. I wish we could get rid of our hurt.
My hurt as obvious as it is is growing up being gay and in the closet. I really cant seem to whine about this enough but I have to be honest. Im still living in the dark in many ways. I thought that by having some people who know and definitely my parents the hurt would just go away. You cant just erase all those teenage years where I basically didnt live. I was a shell, for fear I would face judgement by others I depended on. Everyday my mind keeps going "are we there yet" and the there being a place of peace, happiness, a life.
How much longer can we endure this. I know others are much older than me and still do not receive what they deserve. We all deserve that happiness but we all dont at the same time. My friend Matt I used to work with died over 5 years ago. Life can be taken away just like that, one day, one accident. I think Ive improved, and I do believe I am doing all the correct things such as coming out, branching out from myself, trying new things, going to new places, maybe all not enough but there is only so much one can take during this all.
I just wish that the people I care about knew of the struggles I have had to endure. That the dilemmas of my life are comparable to the oppression of blacks in earlier decades. My life is tainted with this guilt I shouldnt have. Just the other day, a coworker who I like was making a gay joke and I just think ... if they knew about me they wouldnt say that at all .. why? .. because its wrong. Those jokes are what make people commit suicide, feel like an outsider.
Im doing everything right. But it isnt helping. Dont know what to do. Hopefully going to NYC next week will bring some cure, even for a moment.
