Prepare for this, it is going to be a long blog. My life has gone down hill further than I thought it could. I will spare no details I think in this entry so that way people understand the extent of my descent into the dark damp dismal abyss that you would call a life.
Now, yes, I am always SO dramatic and serious AND sensitive so objectively what you are about to read is just average everyday life, or a typical 20-something's days. The one positive before I say anything is that at least I am taking the risks and living life. But I have recently gotten a shock that has made me weary to do anything ever again or for a long time.
The same attributes of myself that I described in my previous post back in August still hold. I got really nothing much to get me through my days and its been rough with not having a friend to physically go to. My computer has fried, after my last video from editting I dont know what happened.. maybe it was the pounding on the laptop out of my anger that made it go to crap. Then again I was getting a virus warning the day prior to the computer not being able to boot.
Thankfully I was able to retrieve my files off the harddrive, my major concern being pictures and video of my grandmother who we will later see how disappointed she would be in me. I still havent been able to make sure that these files are not corrupt. As of now Im booting from a flash drive with the operating system Ubuntu. Dont ask I cant get into the technical garble but if your computer cant boot sometime just let me know and Ill help you out.
So thankfully too I can go on the Internet BUT now my sound isnt working. I did just order a new computer tonight which will come soon with Windows 7 (god help us all). I dont deserve it though after the decisions or contemplations I have had in my life recently.
More personally, and oh we will go more personally as the paragraphs go on, last weekend I got in a huge argument with my family, mostly just my dad. With my religious sister coming into town who has said really horrible things to me about the whole gay thing (she doesnt know about me but shes said everything that being gay is abomination etc I dont need to spell this out shes highly religious in the preachy and self righteous sort of way).
With her coming into town I was worried, just because family in general here makes me feel like the life is being sucked out of me, that Im not even a person and dont deserve the happiness that are able to get. I mentioned to my dad how my sister would stake me if she knew about me being gay (and remember my dad has known Ive been gay for just over a year now). And to this statement he replied "youre not gay". Then to which I replied "what??" ... dad: youre not gay, your bi... me:what?! why would you say that!!? dad: .. wishful thinking...
Oh this resulted in me not speaking to him for a few days and acting hostile for the rest of the week. I try taking another step forward in this coming out, you know talking about my concerns and hopefully moving forward in acceptance amongst th rest of the family. I have now realized I lost my parents in this acceptance. Later my dad couldnt see why I was upset, hes just crazy. Then I talked to my mother on her birthday in the morning before I went to work. She loves me implicitly and would do anything for me. BUT when talking about me being gay she isnt ashamed but she is definitely not encouraging it in anyway. She never asks me questions about anything even when I tell her its ok. Its just such an unhealthy environment living here.
I dont have a fulltime job to move, my bank account is diminising by the day and school payments start next month!! LOVELY .. im in no trouble at all................ . . . .
To top things off and this is what really got to me last night was I was trying to date someone the past month. Why? I dont know why.. I realized during it that I shouldnt be dating because my life is so up in the air on everything and I am so lost on everything. But I decided to go along with this, which was a decision I regret because I had a heavy idea this was a wrong thing to do but I like to give chances to people and didnt see anything wrong by just seeing him. Well in the midst of everything lets just say (this is only time Ill spare details) I ending confirming we were a couple when he asked me. Now..... I am literally retarded. I dont make fun of retarded people by saything this, I am actually retarded. This isnt just stupid this is something just defective in the communication process of my brain.
So the next day I realized how badly I messed that up and had to figure out why I said these things. The thing was that I liked him. While dating I was having a go with the flow attitude so just liking him made me keep seeing him and want more. Now I imagine if time had gone by for me something may have developed but things happened so fast that he really liked me when at the time I only just liked him. Yes, people there are tiers of likes and loves.
He is such a great honest guy. So innocent and reminds me of myself from some distant day that I cant even remember now. Where did my innocence go? Im such a skeptic about life and people, and dating. Im a horrible person these days. Hate, anger, rage, jealousy, self loathing, are all brewing under my skin more so than ever. I dont even know who I am anymore, when I look in the mirror I dont recognize myself. I feel I have no one and nothing.
So last night I had to have a conversation and pretty much break things off with him. He was devestated but I didnt realize how devestated I was when he walked away and I cried for a solid 5 minutes. Driving home I cried on and off and then when I came home drank 5 beers in less than two hours, I was crying constantly. I felt HORRIBLE because the worst times in my life were when I was dumped and I noticed I was only a fling and I just became the person I hate. I have, and I deserve nothing. I ruined this guy innocence. I hope he doesnt change like I have from my experiences which are only two times but two times too many to feel worthless.
Anyway I dont know what else to say. I did something horrible. Im trying today to be a new person, to start a new life. Somehow become the person I want to be. My grandmother was an amazing person and I try to think how did she have the effect she had on people? She was a saint and no one likes me. Most people at work treat me like shit, well maybe they should. Im slow there in comparison.
Ok im ending the self hate and pity because I feel this is why things get worse. I keep sulking in these bad feelings. What I need to do somehow is just envision the person I want to be, realize I can be that person, that ultimately I dont deserve it.. it is earned. This will be a challenge, possibly my biggest yet. I tried recently with new clothes and hair to try the superficial route to get my self worth but it doesnt work. It just distracted me from myself.
Im so lost and numb and confused more so than I ever have before. The worst part is is that I hurt another with this. I just cant forgive myself. But Ill have to to move on. To that person, I am deeply sorry.
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Aw, wow. I'm sorry everything is going like shit right now. Relationships and PCs and parental stuff.. I know it seems like everything is falling apart or fucked up, or you're seeing everything turn to shit.
ReplyDeleteI hope you at least have the files intact from your old PC. I've had shit crash on me before and lost photos and it sucks. Lately I tried Pandora Recovery to get some photos off old memory cards and see what else I deleted off my drive. And I hope that you and your parents find some common ground, and that they're not needlessly harsh again. It's really awkward talking to parents in general about one's sexual preferences, let alone if they don't completely approve. Parents and friends and other people not agreeing or even being insulting is a terrible feeling. Hopefully a job will come along and you can get set up on your own.
You might think you're the worst person in the world right now, but trust me, you're not. You care about people, and people care about you. Hell, even I do and I don't even know you. Even realizing that what you do/say impacts others at least means you're trying. We all hurt people at some point, but eventually they forgive us- just like we forgive them when they hurt us. I don't think it's about being the great person you want to be now, but instead trying to be at least a little better.. and keep trying every second. Inevitably, we fuck up, but so long as we try not to be an ass yet again, that makes us a good person just because we're trying. Even some of the best people I've ever known have had their share of mistakes, even if no one knew about it, but they forgive themselves just like they forgave the people they cared about.. and moved on, eventually laughing about it or wanting to pat their younger self on the head saying "it'll be ok." Not to be all cliche, but we can't forgive other people if we can't forgive ourselves. We all deserve to be happy, to be treated right, and everything else. No one's above you, just like they're not below either. You deserve happiness just like you are, seriously. You might not be able to see the value in you, but other people can. Hell, people gave me a chance, and I used to be a complete jack ass.. but I've changed. Even back then, I deserved to be happy and to care/be cared about.. just as much as now.. even if I was a bitch. I've been realizing that a lot lately... I've forgiven everyone else but me because I've been a shitty person in the past. But, that doesn't define me, and even if it did, I'm still human and there's plenty of value in that alone. Now, I'm a much better person, and at least care about people, which is half the battle. Ok, that really sounds trite, but it's so true. I wouldn't have believed it either if someone said it a few years ago, but, here I am.
You dumped someone, but you didn't do it to toss them around. You did it because you realized it wasn't for you now and gently let him down, instead of stringing him along. That's way better than had you kept going knowing it wasn't a relationship you want right now.
Ok, as usual, this is long as apparently I can't write succinctly. But, essentially, I can relate to some of this, and know you can win. So, mop or vent away, get some chocolate and a good sappy movie, and see if there's some peace in knowing that you're a caring person who's come really far and done cool shit and cares about being a better person (and likes the sappy movie you're watching).
Holy crap, I didn't realize it was THAT long a comment. Damn that small comment box that makes things seem shorter.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment :) I think what stuck out was what you said about not being the great person now. Its difficult, and in the past few days Ive tried and its more difficult than I thought. I dont understand why.
ReplyDeleteAnd I didnt quite dump him. I think Im gonna still date him, we had a good discussion on the phone after I posted this about our feelings and it looks like we are going to give it another go realizing now our perspectives. So we managed to get on the same page but I really dont know how itll go. I feel really lost right now but thanks for keeping me on track :)