Anyway continuing on with some deep thoughts, I do really miss my grandmother. I was a child back then, and it was ok. It was ok to not think about the future in a serious sense, it was the future and wasnt something that felt like it was ever coming up soon. I always say one of my big fears (and I have a lot, I know) is forgetting her voice, forgetting how I felt. Without her I am lost. Life just seems so less purposeful which is why I have recently just not cared about anything anymore. People die, we get over it, we move on, eh whats the use. So if we dont fear the deaths of others as much anymore, what kind of a person does that make me and how can I have value in anything if I dont in people.
Now that Im an adult, and I really feel like I am, I just dont fit the part well. Yes I will compare myself to others but everyone else is doing something. Im doing nothing. I did have a slight vision of the future and realized that I do have time and it wont all be lost like this but it doesnt mean that eliminates me from being lost right now. Like Ive said, its the first time Im depending solely on myself. No more parents guiding me, doing everything for me, telling me what to do, no more teachers either, no more adults looming overhead obligating me to do much of anything anymore. Just me and my head. Is that part of me really that underdeveloped? God, have I really never done anything for myself? Never did one thing that was outgoing? Have I always remained in the shadows? I guess I have because I cant think of much where I proved myself more than what the average person can do. I guess I thought going away to school was going to be a hurdle of its own but did I really even try?? No. I didnt. I went home most weekends, didnt join groups, kept off the radar. Yes, all the things needed to survive school from middle school through college. Just survive.
How did it come to that, that it all was just about getting by. Sure keep those grades up, it makes it look like youre trying when in fact you are just looking the part. It really makes me cringe to see how pathetic that all is. Life is a long road but what Ive done thus far is the minimum.
1:07am... great. I just want to fall asleep for a long long time. I guess there really isnt much to type here. I better stop procrastinating and force myself to sleep. Theres not even a reason for me to be there at 8am, absolutely no reason. we dont open until 8:30 and theres nothing to do between then. Its just stupid. I wish I didnt have to do it. How am I going to stay up all day when at the end of it I have a two hour meeting!!! Arghhh
What kind of life is this. Working random hours for crap pay. I have a degree and it did nothing for me. I know there were some positives from it but honestly at this time of the night, I cant look at them. Im going to go and lie in bed and just stare.
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