and so it begins...

This years resolution is to be outgoing. I wish I could say "more outgoing" but that would mean I had some ambition in the first place. I have no ambition and I wonder why. I think it was just those many oppressed years growing up and having to overcome so much in my mind and in my identity. All I wanted was some acceptance, all I wanted was to come out to my parents, and Ive done those things. I should be "living the life" the dream that I had long ago. I should feel free, feel the endless opportunities.

Why dont I feel this way?

Ive accomplished the most major goal in my life. Is it the overwhelming fears that guide me? I have a fear of getting this fulltime job, the responisiblity involved and how much I have to prove. So, do the fears guide me?? If so, this will be impossible to live continually. I cant enjoy life if Im just overcoming things all the time! I just want to have that positive ambition that is generated not from fear but from curiosity and interest.

I guess some minor goals would be to fit into a new group of people, maybe from my new job that might or might not be happening. I also would like to take piano lessons and actually get away from being this amateur. I also gotta get back in shape but thatll be easy in comparison to self acceptance and discovery.

Hmmm..

I wish we could get rid of this

Tonight I was out for my sisters 30th birthday party. The times have changed, the future is here. Sometimes I still feel like that kid only 10 years old going, what happened... what is going on... is this really my future.

Everyone I listen to on here, my friends, we all have this hurt or this loss, this longing for something big, when really to us subjectively we just want the lives we want and deserve. I wish we could get rid of our hurt.

My hurt as obvious as it is is growing up being gay and in the closet. I really cant seem to whine about this enough but I have to be honest. Im still living in the dark in many ways. I thought that by having some people who know and definitely my parents the hurt would just go away. You cant just erase all those teenage years where I basically didnt live. I was a shell, for fear I would face judgement by others I depended on. Everyday my mind keeps going "are we there yet" and the there being a place of peace, happiness, a life.

How much longer can we endure this. I know others are much older than me and still do not receive what they deserve. We all deserve that happiness but we all dont at the same time. My friend Matt I used to work with died over 5 years ago. Life can be taken away just like that, one day, one accident. I think Ive improved, and I do believe I am doing all the correct things such as coming out, branching out from myself, trying new things, going to new places, maybe all not enough but there is only so much one can take during this all.

I just wish that the people I care about knew of the struggles I have had to endure. That the dilemmas of my life are comparable to the oppression of blacks in earlier decades. My life is tainted with this guilt I shouldnt have. Just the other day, a coworker who I like was making a gay joke and I just think ... if they knew about me they wouldnt say that at all .. why? .. because its wrong. Those jokes are what make people commit suicide, feel like an outsider.

Im doing everything right. But it isnt helping. Dont know what to do. Hopefully going to NYC next week will bring some cure, even for a moment.

I hate these nights

I hate these nights when I have to go to sleep because Ill be at work for 10.5 hours tomorrow and I have to be there at 8am and all I keep thinking as Im in bed is "you better go to sleep or else you are screwed tomorrow". God I hate that anxiety so much. I just know when my body is really tired or not and right now its not. I hate going to sleep because it always feels so forced. This is a rather pointless post but its all I can do to keep my sanity at the moment. Gotta be up by 7 and its 1am right now. Lovely. If only I could just pass out right after this.

Anyway continuing on with some deep thoughts, I do really miss my grandmother. I was a child back then, and it was ok. It was ok to not think about the future in a serious sense, it was the future and wasnt something that felt like it was ever coming up soon. I always say one of my big fears (and I have a lot, I know) is forgetting her voice, forgetting how I felt. Without her I am lost. Life just seems so less purposeful which is why I have recently just not cared about anything anymore. People die, we get over it, we move on, eh whats the use. So if we dont fear the deaths of others as much anymore, what kind of a person does that make me and how can I have value in anything if I dont in people.

Now that Im an adult, and I really feel like I am, I just dont fit the part well. Yes I will compare myself to others but everyone else is doing something. Im doing nothing. I did have a slight vision of the future and realized that I do have time and it wont all be lost like this but it doesnt mean that eliminates me from being lost right now. Like Ive said, its the first time Im depending solely on myself. No more parents guiding me, doing everything for me, telling me what to do, no more teachers either, no more adults looming overhead obligating me to do much of anything anymore. Just me and my head. Is that part of me really that underdeveloped? God, have I really never done anything for myself? Never did one thing that was outgoing? Have I always remained in the shadows? I guess I have because I cant think of much where I proved myself more than what the average person can do. I guess I thought going away to school was going to be a hurdle of its own but did I really even try?? No. I didnt. I went home most weekends, didnt join groups, kept off the radar. Yes, all the things needed to survive school from middle school through college. Just survive.

How did it come to that, that it all was just about getting by. Sure keep those grades up, it makes it look like youre trying when in fact you are just looking the part. It really makes me cringe to see how pathetic that all is. Life is a long road but what Ive done thus far is the minimum.

1:07am... great. I just want to fall asleep for a long long time. I guess there really isnt much to type here. I better stop procrastinating and force myself to sleep. Theres not even a reason for me to be there at 8am, absolutely no reason. we dont open until 8:30 and theres nothing to do between then. Its just stupid. I wish I didnt have to do it. How am I going to stay up all day when at the end of it I have a two hour meeting!!! Arghhh

What kind of life is this. Working random hours for crap pay. I have a degree and it did nothing for me. I know there were some positives from it but honestly at this time of the night, I cant look at them. Im going to go and lie in bed and just stare.

Full report of my life at this moment

Prepare for this, it is going to be a long blog. My life has gone down hill further than I thought it could. I will spare no details I think in this entry so that way people understand the extent of my descent into the dark damp dismal abyss that you would call a life.

Now, yes, I am always SO dramatic and serious AND sensitive so objectively what you are about to read is just average everyday life, or a typical 20-something's days. The one positive before I say anything is that at least I am taking the risks and living life. But I have recently gotten a shock that has made me weary to do anything ever again or for a long time.

The same attributes of myself that I described in my previous post back in August still hold. I got really nothing much to get me through my days and its been rough with not having a friend to physically go to. My computer has fried, after my last video from editting I dont know what happened.. maybe it was the pounding on the laptop out of my anger that made it go to crap. Then again I was getting a virus warning the day prior to the computer not being able to boot.

Thankfully I was able to retrieve my files off the harddrive, my major concern being pictures and video of my grandmother who we will later see how disappointed she would be in me. I still havent been able to make sure that these files are not corrupt. As of now Im booting from a flash drive with the operating system Ubuntu. Dont ask I cant get into the technical garble but if your computer cant boot sometime just let me know and Ill help you out.

So thankfully too I can go on the Internet BUT now my sound isnt working. I did just order a new computer tonight which will come soon with Windows 7 (god help us all). I dont deserve it though after the decisions or contemplations I have had in my life recently.

More personally, and oh we will go more personally as the paragraphs go on, last weekend I got in a huge argument with my family, mostly just my dad. With my religious sister coming into town who has said really horrible things to me about the whole gay thing (she doesnt know about me but shes said everything that being gay is abomination etc I dont need to spell this out shes highly religious in the preachy and self righteous sort of way).

With her coming into town I was worried, just because family in general here makes me feel like the life is being sucked out of me, that Im not even a person and dont deserve the happiness that are able to get. I mentioned to my dad how my sister would stake me if she knew about me being gay (and remember my dad has known Ive been gay for just over a year now). And to this statement he replied "youre not gay". Then to which I replied "what??" ... dad: youre not gay, your bi... me:what?! why would you say that!!? dad: .. wishful thinking...

Oh this resulted in me not speaking to him for a few days and acting hostile for the rest of the week. I try taking another step forward in this coming out, you know talking about my concerns and hopefully moving forward in acceptance amongst th rest of the family. I have now realized I lost my parents in this acceptance. Later my dad couldnt see why I was upset, hes just crazy. Then I talked to my mother on her birthday in the morning before I went to work. She loves me implicitly and would do anything for me. BUT when talking about me being gay she isnt ashamed but she is definitely not encouraging it in anyway. She never asks me questions about anything even when I tell her its ok. Its just such an unhealthy environment living here.

I dont have a fulltime job to move, my bank account is diminising by the day and school payments start next month!! LOVELY .. im in no trouble at all................ . . . .

To top things off and this is what really got to me last night was I was trying to date someone the past month. Why? I dont know why.. I realized during it that I shouldnt be dating because my life is so up in the air on everything and I am so lost on everything. But I decided to go along with this, which was a decision I regret because I had a heavy idea this was a wrong thing to do but I like to give chances to people and didnt see anything wrong by just seeing him. Well in the midst of everything lets just say (this is only time Ill spare details) I ending confirming we were a couple when he asked me. Now..... I am literally retarded. I dont make fun of retarded people by saything this, I am actually retarded. This isnt just stupid this is something just defective in the communication process of my brain.

So the next day I realized how badly I messed that up and had to figure out why I said these things. The thing was that I liked him. While dating I was having a go with the flow attitude so just liking him made me keep seeing him and want more. Now I imagine if time had gone by for me something may have developed but things happened so fast that he really liked me when at the time I only just liked him. Yes, people there are tiers of likes and loves.

He is such a great honest guy. So innocent and reminds me of myself from some distant day that I cant even remember now. Where did my innocence go? Im such a skeptic about life and people, and dating. Im a horrible person these days. Hate, anger, rage, jealousy, self loathing, are all brewing under my skin more so than ever. I dont even know who I am anymore, when I look in the mirror I dont recognize myself. I feel I have no one and nothing.

So last night I had to have a conversation and pretty much break things off with him. He was devestated but I didnt realize how devestated I was when he walked away and I cried for a solid 5 minutes. Driving home I cried on and off and then when I came home drank 5 beers in less than two hours, I was crying constantly. I felt HORRIBLE because the worst times in my life were when I was dumped and I noticed I was only a fling and I just became the person I hate. I have, and I deserve nothing. I ruined this guy innocence. I hope he doesnt change like I have from my experiences which are only two times but two times too many to feel worthless.

Anyway I dont know what else to say. I did something horrible. Im trying today to be a new person, to start a new life. Somehow become the person I want to be. My grandmother was an amazing person and I try to think how did she have the effect she had on people? She was a saint and no one likes me. Most people at work treat me like shit, well maybe they should. Im slow there in comparison.

Ok im ending the self hate and pity because I feel this is why things get worse. I keep sulking in these bad feelings. What I need to do somehow is just envision the person I want to be, realize I can be that person, that ultimately I dont deserve it.. it is earned. This will be a challenge, possibly my biggest yet. I tried recently with new clothes and hair to try the superficial route to get my self worth but it doesnt work. It just distracted me from myself.

Im so lost and numb and confused more so than I ever have before. The worst part is is that I hurt another with this. I just cant forgive myself. But Ill have to to move on. To that person, I am deeply sorry.

Depression and Self Esteem

I would say Im back in it. Why? Because more of the days its feeling down all the time. When I felt I wasnt depressed Id only be sad one day out of 1 or 2 weeks. Now its just a string of sad days constantly.

Through my recent vlogs I would say I found that the center of everything is the lack of self esteem. Maybe its just the pile of crap lately, no purpose (not even at the age of 22 type of purpose), ive gotten fatter (cant think of a nicer word), friends are moving away, single, stuck in the same place, the list goes on.

I wish I could just be generally happy with things in my life. It honestly just never ends. Whats even more depressing is that we want the things we cant have and when we finally dont care about that thing, then we get it. Its like no rewards ever in life.

Bad day at work.. bad

Ill make this short. I had a really bad day at work. The people who piss me off were not there but I made really bad mistakes. I usually make bad mistakes there but this time I just had enough with myself. I am contemplating quitting just out of spite either from those I dislike or myself. I just hate the job now, no matter what a mistake is awaiting around the corner or a problem customer who I cant disarm in time.

I only get like 100-120 a week and I have a lot saved up. I was waiting to at least get my new actual full time job but I dont know anymore. The lines are blurred and it would feel so good to quit.

And now I have to work tomorrow again, yea, fun...

Anxiety

Since beginning to vlog again, these blogs have greatly dissipated. A lot of anxiety has re-entered my life and I wish things just didn't get the best of me. I was talking to a friend recently about how I can't see how my life can be exciting. I never was one of those kids growing up who dreamed of much. I always felt important and that I was meant to do something but nothing ever hit me to strive for anything. I know great things take a lot of work but a passion for something must exist and for me there is nothing.

The only motivation for me to become an adult, live on my own and take all responsibilites in full is not because I strive for any goal... it is just realizing that things right now just dont work.