and so it begins...

This years resolution is to be outgoing. I wish I could say "more outgoing" but that would mean I had some ambition in the first place. I have no ambition and I wonder why. I think it was just those many oppressed years growing up and having to overcome so much in my mind and in my identity. All I wanted was some acceptance, all I wanted was to come out to my parents, and Ive done those things. I should be "living the life" the dream that I had long ago. I should feel free, feel the endless opportunities.

Why dont I feel this way?

Ive accomplished the most major goal in my life. Is it the overwhelming fears that guide me? I have a fear of getting this fulltime job, the responisiblity involved and how much I have to prove. So, do the fears guide me?? If so, this will be impossible to live continually. I cant enjoy life if Im just overcoming things all the time! I just want to have that positive ambition that is generated not from fear but from curiosity and interest.

I guess some minor goals would be to fit into a new group of people, maybe from my new job that might or might not be happening. I also would like to take piano lessons and actually get away from being this amateur. I also gotta get back in shape but thatll be easy in comparison to self acceptance and discovery.

Hmmm..